Where is God in a Miscarriage?
Where is God in a miscarriage? That is a question I didn’t think I would be searching for the answer for for my own personal knowledge and understanding. I had already had 2 wonderful, fairly easily-conceived and mostly complication-free pregnancies.
After hearing the uncertain news at the first ultrasound appointment, having it confirmed a week later at the next ultrasound, and then waiting several more weeks for it to actually “happen,” I experienced some very low lows, probably the lowest I have felt in my life.
I felt broken in so many ways. I felt physically broken - what was wrong with my body? Had we waited too long? Are we going to be able to have more kids or is my body done? Such questions and dives down miscarriage research rabbit holes left me feeling emotionally broken as well. I would be fine and then see a pregnancy announcement and instantly sink into a depression the rest of the day. I was happy for my friends but envious of their pregnancies at the same time. Would this always be a trigger? When would I stop feeling sad about losing this sweet baby?
Where was God in all this? This was a resounding question I had multiple times a day. During the first week when it was unclear if this baby would make it, I prayed so hard and so often, more than I have ever in my entire life. After that appointment I immediately left and went to a church down the street and sat in the pews and prayed and cried begged God for a miracle, sure and steadfast in my belief He would hear and answer and give me the miracle I sought.
A week later, the ultrasound tech quietly took the images and her silence said it all - this was as I had been warned and the baby was gone.
God, where are you?? I couldn’t shake this question for weeks. Why has He given me this only to take it away? What was the purpose in this pain and this loss? How could this be good - if He was in all this, where was the goodness??
It took a few weeks for me to see it.
He was in the strength of my husband’s hand as he reached out to hold mine in the office as we got the news both times. He was in the warmth of his arms as he would hold me over the next few weeks as I wept.
He was in the kindness of my doctor’s words as she broke the news to me, the gentle encouragement to take a tissue and ask the questions I had.
He was in the love from my little boys, as they always hugged me as I cried. He was in the voice of my 4 year old who reassured me of God’s promises “We can pray to God and maybe He will give us another baby Mommy.” He was showing me truly to have faith like a child through my own little boy.
He was in the care from my family and few friends with whom I had shared my heartbreaking news, who over the next few weeks would help me through the grief process, being listening ears and sending flowers and cards and gifts to let me know they were there for me and that in spite of how it felt - that I was not alone.
After taking a step back and looking from a different perspective, I truly feel that I know where He was in my miscarriage. God has been with me throughout this loss and has been along side me every step of the way, grieving while I grieved, and helping me see His love and goodness in others around me. If you are going through a grief process I encourage you to look around and try to see God’s hand and goodness in your situation. It may not be as direct as our human hearts and minds yearn for, but it is there with you always.
“He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3
Much love,
Kristin